Steven Wright is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer who is known distinctive lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes. Here are best collection of Steven Wright Quotes for you.
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Steven Wright Quotes
“I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. It finally dawned on me.”
– Steven Wright
“I have a map of the United States. It’s actual size.”
– Steven Wright
“I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.”
– Steven Wright
“I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. It wasn’t doing what I was doing.”
– Steven Wright
“I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.”
– Steven Wright
“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”
– Steven Wright
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
– Steven Wright
“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”
– Steven Wright
“I got a garage door opener. It can’t close. Just open.”
– Steven Wright
“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”
– Steven Wright
“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.”
– Steven Wright
“I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.”
– Steven Wright
“I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.”
– Steven Wright
“I have an answering machine in my car. It says, ‘I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.'”
– Steven Wright
“I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused.”
– Steven Wright
“I’m not afraid of heights. I’m afraid of widths.”
– Steven Wright
“I got a belt on my treadmill that holds me in place. If I get off, I shoot back against the wall.”
– Steven Wright
“I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.”
– Steven Wright
“I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, ‘Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?’ He said, ‘I don’t know.’ I said, ‘I don’t want your job.'”
– Steven Wright
“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.”
– Steven Wright
“I have a microwave fireplace. I can sit in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes.”
– Steven Wright